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Friday, March 18, 2005

Cuteness and Other Forms of Torture

You can't help be impressed with how Disney World is organized. They should have taken the Iraq War bid away from Halliburton. I'm not sure how cute Minnie Mouse would be in a burkha and I guess Donald and Mickey would absolutely have to wear pants. Big baggy pajama looking things. But things would be ever more orderly and the food much better. Any torture would be of a nature of having to repeatedly go through It's a Small World After All with your eyes taped open. And at top nauseating volume.

Realizing I just tipped my hand here, I'll get right to it. There's plenty of very cool stuff at Disney. But the only cute thing about the stuff that's designed to be cute is watching cute little kids react to it and cute older kids get repelled by it. Gushing grandparents just look ridiculous. Old people doing loud animated public baby talk ranks up there on the cuteness scale with Springtime for Hitler.

We ate in some terrific restaurants. Some had the nerve to charge $18 for a dessert the size of a cupcake and $5 for a cup of tea. Lucky for us we were using free vouchers donated by a chef friend. I must say that the Rain Forest Cafe was waaaay over the top in it's attempt at cuteness. Who finds it cute or amusing to consume a meal while life sized mechanical apes screech hysterically every five minutes over the apparent appearance of a large predator or a fake thunder storm? The waitress admitted being brain dead and flashed a Disney smile. It's the first time since junior high school that I wanted to throw food.

At Epcot we saw some excellent exhibits. The Mission Space flight simulator was extremely well done. If you happen to be a person who enjoys motion-sickness-enduced vomiting as a mode of dieting for thirty-six hours. They warn you well enough in advance but I figured I could just shut my eyes after liftoff. And liftoff was a hoot. But you'd have to shut your eyes at about five times the speed of sound in order to miss the barfalicious experience that comes next. I eventually got my eyes shut but to no avail. My inner ear was a Cusinart of swirling fluid. I opened them only long enough to find the conveniently placed barf bag. We finally touched down on Mars after what can only be described as a insanely choreographed landing. I wanted to die rather than take the trip home. Thankfully the United Nations Charter does cover excessive use of this form of torture. So the ride ended there. In the wrong hands the trip home could easily be used in Abu Graheb if Disney takes over that contract. There would be some Moslem boys begging for a naked pile on as opposed to this.

But I had a really splendid time. Honest.

posted by Bud @ 5:07 AM

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